The Pros And Cons Of Online Dating

By Jon Tingley

I’m welcoming you back this week with a column about online dating and hookups. It’s a cold one out there so many of you might be thinking of forgoing the below-freezing temperatures and crowded bars in favor of a laptop and webcam. Over winter break, I posted a survey for readers to take about online dating because I wanted to get an accurate sense of readers’ experience with the tool. You can access the survey by visiting http://bit.ly/ftingley

It turns out that 60 percent of the people who took the survey have never created an online profile or personal ad. That shocked me. Then I dug a little deeper and saw that if you break it down by sexual orientation, 85 percent of homosexual respondents said they have created an online profile, while only 28 percent of straight people reported doing so.

My study is far from scientific and my results aren’t conclusive, but that jump is hard to ignore. These results make it seem like online romance sites are primarily used by young homosexuals (75 percent of respondents were under the age of 24).

Gay or not, online dating is something that has become more common in the last few years. What used to carry a stigma is now a tool that’s constantly advertised on TV and is the go-to resource for divorced soccer moms and twinky gay boys alike. If you’re thinking about trying an online dating service, you need to know what you’re getting yourself into.

Dating services aren’t cheap

For full access to their services, most companies charge over $30 per month. True, several companies offer free or limited versions of their services, but they pale in comparison to what you get when you cough up the dough. The only sites that seem to offer significant functionality and audience for free are PlentyofFish.com and Manhunt.com, and the motivations of a Manhunt user can be questionable. Even so, do you really want to spend your limited funds searching for a virtual partner?

Most people aren’t successful

Many people are very successful in their online searches. From my research, it seemed like the people who found a life-partner online were older, more mature, and knew exactly what they were looking for. Of the people who took my survey who were looking for a relationship, most didn’t find what they were looking for online. Online services might be great for short-term romances and hookups, but it can be hard to find lasting love.

Meeting up can be unsafe

I’ve stressed this before, but any time you’re meeting someone for the first time you need to meet in a public place. Being in a place with witnesses will help if the person you’re meeting intends to peel you and use you as a lampshade. Also, try to tell someone what your plans are for the night in case something does go wrong.

It could be a while

A lot of people think that, like many other online services, online dating will offer instant gratification. The truth is, online dating isn’t that different from the old-fashioned kind: there are still a lot of losers out there who will clog your inbox with awkward messages and Hello Kitty emoticons. If you’re willing to wade through an infinite pool of profiles, expect that the first 25 or 50 are likely to be duds.

Miracles do happen

Believe it or not, some people actually do find love online. Those commercials aren’t lying to you. If you’ve tried traditional dating and haven’t had any luck, maybe creating a profile and seeing how many nibblers you get isn’t such a bad idea. Just don’t put all your eggs in one basket and forget that meeting people in person is still an effective way to date.

It can hurt

When you meet someone face-to-face, most people are less likely to be an asshole to you, but, online, everyone has free reign to shit all over you. If you have a profile up and no one’s contacting you or people are just ignoring your messages, maybe it’s not for you. It is very hard to represent your whole self online. If you’re bat-shit crazy and want to hide that, this might be the medium for you. But don’t think that you can possibly know how a person truly is by reading their profile. There are a lot of fantastic people out there who will never get a date online.

No one can predict the future and, contrary to popular belief, you really can’t plan who the love of your life will be. I’ve been at if for almost a decade and have only a few good friends and a pile of assholes to show for it. Never sacrifice who you are in order to settle down. Take the time to find a quality match.

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The 14 “G’s” Of Dating And Living

I was interviewed recently on a local TV station. The interviewer asked me for a few tips to improve dating – and living – for people in their 60s, 70s and 80s. Later, I thought about her question and wrote down what I feel are the 14 “G’s” of dating while growing older:

1. Get off the couch and out of the house. This advice is always the first I mention. It’s so simple and yet so important.

2. Get involved in external activities you enjoy where you will meet new people. Unsure of where to go? Check out www.MeetUp.com for a list of clubs and activities in your area. I received an e-mail from MeetUp.com saying there are 2,463 meet-ups in South County alone. Granted, some are for the younger set; simply weed out those choices.

3. Get organized. Don’t wait to plan the upcoming holidays. If you have nowhere to go, consider volunteering to serve meals. Do something that makes you feel good, and nothing is better than helping others. Start making plans for the December holidays and New Year’s. Invite others who have nothing planned to your home for a small potluck dinner party. Start rounding up your single friends now.

4. Go alone to activities if you can’t find a friend or group of friends. Granted, this isn’t the easiest thing to do, but it beats sitting home alone wishing you were somewhere else.

5. Go out to enrich your life, not with the sole purpose of seeking a mate. If the only reason you go out is to find someone, you will become discouraged and frustrated, because meeting someone may not happen right away. It might not happen at all. But if you go out to broaden your horizons and enjoy new experiences, just getting out is a great accomplishment.

6. Get it in gear. Meeting new people and finding a mate at this stage in our lives requires energy and making a concerted effort. It’s like finding a job in the current economy. To do so is difficult. The people who are successful work the hardest at networking and putting themselves out there. The same goes for meeting a mate. Make the process as important as you would if you were seeking a job.

7. Get assertive. Note that I am not saying aggressive, but assertive. There is a big difference. Start conversations with strangers – on a plane, standing in line at the post office or at the bank, waiting for your car to be washed, in line at Starbucks – anywhere there are people waiting and biding time. If you see someone who looks kind, warm or friendly, don’t hesitate to make a simple comment or ask a question – how he likes the book he’s reading or how she likes the car she’s driving.

8. Gain flexibility. Open your mind to new avenues, new cultures and new thinking.

9. Gain efficiency. Don’t waste time by playing games. Either people are interested in a relationship or they aren’t. If you meet someone you think might be a potential partner and the excuses start flowing or the games begin, move on.

10. Gain self-respect. Improve your appearance; add exercise to your daily regimen. Screen what you eat. Take care of yourself. You will have more positive energy, which will make you a more desirable person. Remember to present a positive attitude. A smile is the ticket to making yourself approachable and likable; both are necessary when you are seeking a new mate.

11. Grieve first. If you recently lost a spouse or partner, grieve and heal before seeking a new mate. But that doesn’t mean you don’t go out to enrich your life and be involved with new people.

12. Gain knowledge and insight through learning and enjoying new experiences. Go back to school. Take an acting class. Travel. A local group-travel Web site I recommend is www.margestours.com.

13. Go gray. Remind yourself that being single later in life isn’t so bad; in fact, it’s pretty darned good. It gives you the freedom to do and pursue whatever you want.

14. Give yourself credit and a pat on the back from time to time. After all, you’ve made it this far in life. And there’s a lot of life ahead.

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